"Honestly, what would become of me. i dont like reality, its way too clear to me but really.. life is dandy. we are what we dont see... missed everything daydreaming..."
had a more or less empty day today with a lot of revolting emotions and thoughts. i hate capricorns. even though i am one... and that makes it worse for me. i wonder everytime if i too am as manipulative as her, and vilely willful, and irritatingly headstrong, even if the other person is right. i hate it. i feel that perhaps being a capricorn myself, i cant stand being with another, 24*7. and the worst part is, i can bloody drown everything so quickly.. and get happy again... and almost forget about all my anguish as fast as i get angry... and then one fine day the dam breaks, the flood gates open and all hell breaks loose. i also hate myself for that. people are bad to others, pick on them all day long, bitch behind their backs, and still are almost worshipped by the scapegoat. and another category on the other hand, always thinks of others first, knows to hold back hurtful words, gives them time and space, and is still treated as the black sheep. bloody asshole world.
i felt so angry today. havent felt this way in a while. have been dreaming bad lately... 2 days in a row.. dont know when i ll get a job.. have a backlog.. losing friends faster than calories. my life's a mess suddenly.
went through sire's old texts today... felt relieved and happy in a sad sort of way. its wonderful to be with him... i feel like now im almost addicted to that peace and the love that i find in him.. and the downright fact that he would understand everyhting i say without judging.. unlike others. . but i wonder if its good enough for him. i wonder if i complicate his life. but i know he loves me, and im this foolish bitch, doting on every word... going by my whims... swinging between dreams and reality.. giving way to occasional volcano eruptions. . i feel selfish sometimes. . how everything else, everyone else has ceased to matter as much. and the same thoughts dominate my mind. i dont exactly know what is selfish about feeling happy about being loved by somebody... but im in doubt. . and i cant fuck it anymore. he has an education loan, and some papers to sit for... i only wanted to see him rise.. and now i dont know what im doing.
on the other hand, i dozed on the roof lastnight... in the beautiful breeze.. the brightest moon in a whole year... and i dreamt of his gentle words in my ear.. woke up in the morning feeling his breath.. almost.. smelling his skin as if i werent dreaming but he was right here next to me. and i knew then, that the bad dream earlier was only a dream... that im okie. that he is okie... and that he always makes everything alright. the sun shone a bright golden yellow today.. the sky a placid cloudless blue. and everything outside was wonderful... like in a dream... the warm glow on my back as i went walking between the trees. . . like always felt his hand in mine.. and i knew no matter how much i hate the real world, Lord let me have a piece of heaven.. . He gave me the love i always searched.. in a man i never hoped to find. but hope i did.. . and find me, he did.
i feel so calm now... i know i need not bother with everyday-trivialities regarding room-mates. but i lose out on patience at times, and it dos matter. until i go out, feel the breeze cool my skin, and the almost-feeling of his arms wrapping me in a safe haven, that is my very own home.
