axom saa aw dede

been a long lull here. its been a rough six months of bromide now and then. Although, things are seemingly unchanged, i feel quite differentky about several things. . . Will find some solitude tonight i think, though, unwelcome. been cooking for a week now... makes me happy. although tiring, but yes happy. and a way again to de-stress. Lot of work this weekend. for a change, chores around the house this time.

Need to pick up the camera. need to clean-up around the house. and paint. and experiment with some projects that i've been meaning to take up since long. Hope to get some of it done this weekend. Will watch a movie. Maybe see weasel or have a pint with papa.

Have to find a new place to move into. need to start looking for one to begin with. before that, need to get my things in place, save money, and finally come to a decision with the phantom. the phantom. sigh. i miss you dear old phantom. I'm not sure how or why.. but a part of me will always love you. im just so unable to control for now. im afraid and in smithereens inside. and yet i cant let go.

The beautiful wings with little white pearls

i'm so happy and strangely surprised to see ITT Tech Institute ads on my blog !! i signed up for adsense. but i design courses for ITT! for a change i felt so proud of myself :)

i had to sit through a media session yesterday, and i kept looking out of the window at birds flying outside. There was some air conditioning malfunction in the conference room, and it was mighty windy in there. i closed my eyes and imagined i was sitting by the top-most window in a beach tower, looking out at the dark clouds above the sea. except, i sat far from the window, it was tropical sunny outside, and there was certainly no sea. haha :-|

Also, then, this happened between my notebook and me (It just happened! And it's never ever happened before. its silly, but later at night i re-read it and felt sad) :

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She was kind and gentle. She loved playing on the green meadow by the river. She would pick beautiful little wild flowers and arrange them prettily in vases. She loved lying down on the grass and looking at the birds in the sky. She had a pet dog, Tan. Tan was big and had a beautiful golden coat of fur. The little girl loved her mother, who called her Kate. Kate and her mother were best friends and spent everyday together. Kate's mother hated XML coding. Kate's mother loved reading books and poems, and read them out to Kate every night. Kate loved the story of the little girl who would become a fairy by night. Kate dreamed and hoped to be like the girl in the story, so she could fly. 


One day, Kate's mother made her a pair of beautiful white wings studded with little pearls. Kate woke up that morning and saw the pair of wings on the breakfast table, where her mother stood smiling. Kate ran into her mother's arms, and her mother helped put the wings on. Kate ran out into the sun. She jumped over little rocks and ran like the wind. The breeze ran through her hair and gave being to her wings. She closed her eyes while she ran, and imagined herself flying. She had never felt so happy before. That night, Kate went to bed happy and contented. She thanked Lord for her mother and the pair of beautiful wings studded with little pearls. 


Kate dreamed that she was playing by the river, while Tan ran at her heels. Kate looked down at her feet and realized that she was flying! She felt the tall grass and the lovely little wild flowers touching the base of her feet--tickling her. She flew over the river, while the water sparkled, reflecting the golden rays of the sun on Kate's beautiful gossamer wings studded with little pearls. 


Kate floated across the river and sat on a rock, with her feet in the cool water. She was happy and watched the tufts of clouds in the sky, the trees swaying in the breeze, and a bird flying high in the sky. The bird was white. As it descended closer, Kate realized that the bird was a huge white Dove. Kate flew back to the banks of the river and gaped at the Dove. As it approached her, she saw a man jump off the Dove's back. The man stood smiling at her. Kate knew it was her father. Her mother had told her about him. Kate had missed him her whole life, and finally she met him because of the wings. . . the wings that her mother made her. 


Kate opened her eyes and found her mother sitting beside her, looking worried, and holding her tight. Kate found her clothes wet with sweat, her pillow case soaked in tears. "Mommy, I met Daddy. . . Daddy said sorry and that he loves us."

life ?

It's strange how we put years into a relationship, and it all boils down to square one. except that the initial "square one" was better and minus all the pain. its also true how the latter "square one" has all its moments of joy and peace. but in the end it does have a lot of negativity. I wonder why it was not the same magnitude and intensity of love. I wonder why is it that they say that one person always loves more, yet i never wanted to believe it until now. Maybe it is not true. i guess the standards we attach to these things differ per person. but if i were disloyal, would you have liked it, or would you have lived with it - like you perhaps expect me to live with it and not question it? the only irony is that i loved you very much to allow thoughts of any other, let alone anything more. i know you loved me immensely, and today when i think of it, it kills me the most. the man i fell in love with - the simple, straightforward, loyal and caring person, you had trouble expressing your love but i knew it always, i could trust you with my silliness knowing you would understand without making fun of it - where is that person i met and fell for? I wonder why they say that "first-love" isn't meant to last - i never believed it either. I wonder what i did to deserve this cold shoulder, this situation wherein i feel like i imagined everything about you that i revered all through, for now i find nothing what i felt and saw 4 years back. what did i do to hurt you ever that you're punishing me now. and so simply, so stone-heartedly.

i liked to be a Tree in your garden, giving shade, bearing fruit. . but how could i hold on to the earth if you flood me away with your water. how am i to bloom? how shall i live? you were my best friend, the one i loved more than myself, you were my godfather, the answerer of all my questions, the man who saw me grow from a small-town girl into a woman - all in 4 years. . with you, i explored the world, myself, you - together, you held my hand through suffering, in traffic, through days of broken-leg and broken heart. . what did i do to deserve this suffering? it feels hollow and numb in my heart, and im afraid to believe. how am i to live without you?

I wonder because i question today what i most believed in. My Hope, The Faith. . . the foundation is shattered all over; how am i to soldier on? The Home is lost and i know not how am i to be. i wonder where my Lord is. i wonder where to find You for I havent anything to hold on to.

October already

The weekend was nice. We visited Jessica and her boyfriend and their sweet big Labrador June, and we overstayed our visit by 2 days. lol. we drank, ate lovely food cooked by jessie and pranjal, and played with June. Boruah and I had 2 happy days; it felt like a lovely little vacation, some different from what he and i have done for weekends over the past whole year - drink and mumble to each other, eat out, watch movies, yap over coffees. I notice its been a long time we said our i love yous. but things are changing and its nobody's fault i suppose. the ring is in the box. i long to change somethings about my life, and i wish for time to move by faster. A lot of pictures. but i shall be able to upload them after i fix the wifi in my house and get back my laptop. by this weekend, i hope to be able to clean and fix my house before my parents visit. by this weekend i hope to be a little stronger and find an action plan for my days. i wish for peace. for my whole family, for everyone, for me.

Friday evening

I'm done with the work. I feel great sometimes about how I can finish off work in a jiffy, just so I can be free again. I just hope I made no mistakes.

I've had the solitude and time to ponder lately. . considering i haven't had either, since January this year - it has been a little more than difficult. I need to cut down on the smokes. Doable. I need to clean and set up my new place. Doable. I need to start living there everyday, and not try to escape. (Doable, but with more effort.) Save a little money. (Very difficult at present. Lot of pending purchases to make, etc.) Read more. Doable. Get kitchen stuff and cook at home. Doable. Forget It and Move On. Um uh.

A lot of decisions need to be taken at my end. I hope to begin somewhere, soon. I need to.

coming home ~

There's been a long long block, and i intend to (finally) blog it away. For inspiration, it took me completely polishing off two lovely blogs by 2 very nice ladies. I felt happy reading them, and remembered how soothing it felt earlier when i wrote more often. Going back to painting and sketching will take a while; there's too much of clutter in my life at present. Hope. I. Still. Do.

Lame.

At work now, and some last minute work showed up. So, I must work it off. Whiskey tonight ! hopefully with June, Jessie, Pranjal and Boruah.

Cheers to the weekend. (Although Hope. I. Must. Not.)

i see you ~

it seems like just a while ago. i'd stood bent above the railing. i could see the green grass below. . the path around it paved in stone. i was thinking of you. . . i'd closed my eyes and felt you. the next minute i stood at a vantage point looking at that same spot down there. lying in a pool of blood. and all i could remember was a deep dark blur. it dawned into a gray morning, the grayest day i had ever known. and when i rose, i could fly across that gray sky. the vast spanse of the city that we always looked at late nights from the roof. . all those lights far far away, was now this stormy sea. i thought i was free. it felt so light. and so damn  free. but i saw you. you were right there where i left you. the last walk we had at sunset hand in hand. the last time we made love that night. the roof, the purple sky, the wind in my hair. it was all just there. and you were there and i was with you. and now i see you every moment standing so close. . but you dont hear my breath. i hold your hand, but you dont feel me. . a minute stretches as long as an eternity, but you never look my way when i speak to you. and yet i feel your tears, i feel your pain as i drift. and i find you waiting in vain for me. while i wait for you.

i'd been right there in your arms. and it seems like just a while ago. .