It's strange how we put years into a relationship, and it all boils down to square one. except that the initial "square one" was better and minus all the pain. its also true how the latter "square one" has all its moments of joy and peace. but in the end it does have a lot of negativity. I wonder why it was not the same magnitude and intensity of love. I wonder why is it that they say that one person always loves more, yet i never wanted to believe it until now. Maybe it is not true. i guess the standards we attach to these things differ per person. but if i were disloyal, would you have liked it, or would you have lived with it - like you perhaps expect me to live with it and not question it? the only irony is that i loved you very much to allow thoughts of any other, let alone anything more. i know you loved me immensely, and today when i think of it, it kills me the most. the man i fell in love with - the simple, straightforward, loyal and caring person, you had trouble expressing your love but i knew it always, i could trust you with my silliness knowing you would understand without making fun of it - where is that person i met and fell for? I wonder why they say that "first-love" isn't meant to last - i never believed it either. I wonder what i did to deserve this cold shoulder, this situation wherein i feel like i imagined everything about you that i revered all through, for now i find nothing what i felt and saw 4 years back. what did i do to hurt you ever that you're punishing me now. and so simply, so stone-heartedly.
i liked to be a Tree in your garden, giving shade, bearing fruit. . but how could i hold on to the earth if you flood me away with your water. how am i to bloom? how shall i live? you were my best friend, the one i loved more than myself, you were my godfather, the answerer of all my questions, the man who saw me grow from a small-town girl into a woman - all in 4 years. . with you, i explored the world, myself, you - together, you held my hand through suffering, in traffic, through days of broken-leg and broken heart. . what did i do to deserve this suffering? it feels hollow and numb in my heart, and im afraid to believe. how am i to live without you?
I wonder because i question today what i most believed in. My Hope, The Faith. . . the foundation is shattered all over; how am i to soldier on? The Home is lost and i know not how am i to be. i wonder where my Lord is. i wonder where to find You for I havent anything to hold on to.
