its christmas eve. my second christmas away from home. i miss being home... mom would always try something new in the kitchen.. there was always the rum cake and the punch on the table.. the tree with the bits of shimmery decoration, the lights... there were always lights... the simple happy air... and daddy playing santa. there was always a gift. . i love how dad has still kept santa real for me. i guess its the only part of my world i still have. a dream which still has me in it. i miss takin a walk late past midnight.. just to look at all the houses lit up.. the trees.. the chilly december air.. and to hear the silence.. the smell of flowers thick in the breeze. i still remember the cold sad december of 2007. it seems like just an hour ago.. and yet, it seems like its been aeons. its amazing how change takes its toll... and for good.. eventually. we mourn people we lose. . and we rise.. gradually. we learn to live without them. . and then on an empty day, through a leisure moment, we think of days gone by. . revel in its glory or the sadness for a while.. and return. but i know im lucky. the only intense thing i ever fell into was sire... and i knw we cant learn to live without everything. we cant always move on. when we find a home. . we realize we could belong no where else.
tonight it was silly, simple but nice i guess. balloons, candles, clair de lune, chocolate.. and coffee.. just very black. strange christmas... but it could nt have been more peaceful. suddenly my whole life flashed through in the whole hour that i lay staring at the candle lit balloons hangin down from the ceiling. i realized i always was lonely. and i still havent learned how to handle it well. i look for it wen im in a crowd. . and i cant stand it wen i do have it. it was college II year.. christmas eve.. i was home.. late tht night i had lain in bed lookin out the window at a purple star-studded, moonlit sky. i had almost seen a happy dreamy show in the skies... i did hope for it till 4am and then dozed off to yanni. i miss ma. and i miss dad. tears dont ease anymore.
i long for that peace 24*7. . the kind i found no where else.. but know only when i wake up to find sire beside me. nothing makes me feel safer... nothing else makes me feel happy for being alive through another day.
Happiness doesnt cost a thing BUT Nothing worthwhile in life is free.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
treason
Today was an eventful day. In a rather dismal sort of way though. I ve felt angry before, felt in my veins the hot momentary rush of strength. but i feel so weak today. lame, and utterly helpless.
i've never stood up for anything but for people i cared for. that has always been a reason for me to fight. and reason enough. but today was different. i dont know much about the person we all gathered there for. . except for her name. and that she was struggling in a causeless battle. i suddenly found myself standing next to sire in a room full of muted people, i was one of them, and i heard him speak up for all of us.
there are times when i dont understand myself. i feel tremendously ugly, and therefore feel that tremendous anger and i burn in it for days. days of feeling weak, lame and utterly helpless. and it kills me. for all the loathing i feel for myself later on. i hate when i stand numb doing nothing, saying nothing. and not fighting back. i cant face myself for days afterward. i am afraid. and i cant understand why. whether its because of the consequences. or because i didnt stop him. i wonder. it fills me with shame when i see it stated. and i dont know why.
there were so many who were shouting. voices raised. knuckles bared. and he was quiet all through. calm like he always is. and then when it was time, they all were quiet, and under cover. . while he spoke. faced the music not caring what the moment would bring. not thinking that he was fighting for a person he didnt know... feeling only that he was with the truth. and so was his friend. the other person beside sire who tried today. and all i did was stand and stare. mum. not a word from the fuckin 'rebel'. and i let him fight alone.
and then i see the little 'litterateur-star of the batch'. she seemed angry for the cause. it looked perfect like she can always make it look. the hour of trial passed. and she and i were in the same boat. having passed the moment of truth in silence. only that i was so ashamed to speak more, while she raised her voice soon after. gave the upper hand - something she does everyday. . and so darn well. came back to the room, blissfully spoke over the phone adding gossip to the episode, for the "swearing" she did, lying without batting an eyelid like she can do so well, unknowingly claiming laurel for the "bravado" she showed.
then there were others. who initiated a good thought, and when the fire caught on. . disappeared themselves. picked not a call during the episode, and safe after it was all done with - called to apologize.
a few others were better off to have stayed back, showed no interest. i guess that was better than faking it at the last minute.
the moment i think i know it all, i realize i dont. whenever i feel things could get no worse, they do. im so proud of sire today, and grateful that a man so good loves me. and then it kills me to think of what i am. after years, today i cant face myself, because i cant justify something i did. i wonder if one can hate oneself more.
i always wondered if it was the world. or if it was me. but i suppose its me.
i've never stood up for anything but for people i cared for. that has always been a reason for me to fight. and reason enough. but today was different. i dont know much about the person we all gathered there for. . except for her name. and that she was struggling in a causeless battle. i suddenly found myself standing next to sire in a room full of muted people, i was one of them, and i heard him speak up for all of us.
there are times when i dont understand myself. i feel tremendously ugly, and therefore feel that tremendous anger and i burn in it for days. days of feeling weak, lame and utterly helpless. and it kills me. for all the loathing i feel for myself later on. i hate when i stand numb doing nothing, saying nothing. and not fighting back. i cant face myself for days afterward. i am afraid. and i cant understand why. whether its because of the consequences. or because i didnt stop him. i wonder. it fills me with shame when i see it stated. and i dont know why.
there were so many who were shouting. voices raised. knuckles bared. and he was quiet all through. calm like he always is. and then when it was time, they all were quiet, and under cover. . while he spoke. faced the music not caring what the moment would bring. not thinking that he was fighting for a person he didnt know... feeling only that he was with the truth. and so was his friend. the other person beside sire who tried today. and all i did was stand and stare. mum. not a word from the fuckin 'rebel'. and i let him fight alone.
and then i see the little 'litterateur-star of the batch'. she seemed angry for the cause. it looked perfect like she can always make it look. the hour of trial passed. and she and i were in the same boat. having passed the moment of truth in silence. only that i was so ashamed to speak more, while she raised her voice soon after. gave the upper hand - something she does everyday. . and so darn well. came back to the room, blissfully spoke over the phone adding gossip to the episode, for the "swearing" she did, lying without batting an eyelid like she can do so well, unknowingly claiming laurel for the "bravado" she showed.
then there were others. who initiated a good thought, and when the fire caught on. . disappeared themselves. picked not a call during the episode, and safe after it was all done with - called to apologize.
a few others were better off to have stayed back, showed no interest. i guess that was better than faking it at the last minute.
the moment i think i know it all, i realize i dont. whenever i feel things could get no worse, they do. im so proud of sire today, and grateful that a man so good loves me. and then it kills me to think of what i am. after years, today i cant face myself, because i cant justify something i did. i wonder if one can hate oneself more.
i always wondered if it was the world. or if it was me. but i suppose its me.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The Window
im happy. . ready again to suffer at college the whole rest of the month. . even tho i feel so hurt and disappointed with the world sometimes... in strange ways i find so much of happiness too. in seeing life through his eyes. and he tells me i have this art of finding beauty in all of things that the world has to offer.... but isnt that what we re meant to do ? find beauty. and therefore find joy. he's learning from me, just like im learning so much from him. just that he now realizes the importance of faith.. and perhaps, hopefully sees a brighter side to life. and i now realize the darkness that makes my world seem so alive to me now. i hated myself as an adolescent... i hated myself worse still when i came here.. but now i know its okie. life is but one day, afterall. and theres so much to know. so much to give.
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