its christmas eve. my second christmas away from home. i miss being home... mom would always try something new in the kitchen.. there was always the rum cake and the punch on the table.. the tree with the bits of shimmery decoration, the lights... there were always lights... the simple happy air... and daddy playing santa. there was always a gift. . i love how dad has still kept santa real for me. i guess its the only part of my world i still have. a dream which still has me in it. i miss takin a walk late past midnight.. just to look at all the houses lit up.. the trees.. the chilly december air.. and to hear the silence.. the smell of flowers thick in the breeze. i still remember the cold sad december of 2007. it seems like just an hour ago.. and yet, it seems like its been aeons. its amazing how change takes its toll... and for good.. eventually. we mourn people we lose. . and we rise.. gradually. we learn to live without them. . and then on an empty day, through a leisure moment, we think of days gone by. . revel in its glory or the sadness for a while.. and return. but i know im lucky. the only intense thing i ever fell into was sire... and i knw we cant learn to live without everything. we cant always move on. when we find a home. . we realize we could belong no where else.
tonight it was silly, simple but nice i guess. balloons, candles, clair de lune, chocolate.. and coffee.. just very black. strange christmas... but it could nt have been more peaceful. suddenly my whole life flashed through in the whole hour that i lay staring at the candle lit balloons hangin down from the ceiling. i realized i always was lonely. and i still havent learned how to handle it well. i look for it wen im in a crowd. . and i cant stand it wen i do have it. it was college II year.. christmas eve.. i was home.. late tht night i had lain in bed lookin out the window at a purple star-studded, moonlit sky. i had almost seen a happy dreamy show in the skies... i did hope for it till 4am and then dozed off to yanni. i miss ma. and i miss dad. tears dont ease anymore.
i long for that peace 24*7. . the kind i found no where else.. but know only when i wake up to find sire beside me. nothing makes me feel safer... nothing else makes me feel happy for being alive through another day.
Happiness doesnt cost a thing BUT Nothing worthwhile in life is free.
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