treason

Today was an eventful day. In a rather dismal sort of way though. I ve felt angry before, felt in my veins the hot momentary rush of strength. but i feel so weak today. lame, and utterly helpless.

i've never stood up for anything but for people i cared for. that has always been a reason for me to fight. and reason enough. but today was different. i dont know much about the person we all gathered there for. . except for her name. and that she was struggling in a causeless battle. i suddenly found myself standing next to sire in a room full of muted people, i was one of them, and i heard him speak up for all of us.

there are times when i dont understand myself. i feel tremendously ugly, and therefore feel that tremendous anger and i burn in it for days. days of feeling weak, lame and utterly helpless. and it kills me. for all the loathing i feel for myself later on. i hate when i stand numb doing nothing, saying nothing. and not fighting back. i cant face myself for days afterward. i am afraid. and i cant understand why. whether its because of the consequences. or because i didnt stop him. i wonder. it fills me with shame when i see it stated. and i dont know why.

there were so many who were shouting. voices raised. knuckles bared. and he was quiet all through. calm like he always is. and then when it was time, they all were quiet, and under cover. . while he spoke. faced the music not caring what the moment would bring. not thinking that he was fighting for a person he didnt know... feeling only that he was with the truth. and so was his friend. the other person beside sire who tried today. and all i did was stand and stare. mum. not a word from the fuckin 'rebel'. and i let him fight alone.

and then i see the little 'litterateur-star of the batch'. she seemed angry for the cause. it looked perfect like she can always make it look. the hour of trial passed. and she and i were in the same boat. having passed the moment of truth in silence. only that i was so ashamed to speak more, while she raised her voice soon after. gave the upper hand - something she does everyday. . and so darn well. came back to the room, blissfully spoke over the phone adding gossip to the episode, for the "swearing" she did, lying without batting an eyelid like she can do so well, unknowingly claiming laurel for the "bravado" she showed.

then there were others. who initiated a good thought, and when the fire caught on. . disappeared themselves. picked not a call during the episode, and safe after it was all done with - called to apologize.

a few others were better off to have stayed back, showed no interest. i guess that was better than faking it at the last minute.

the moment i think i know it all, i realize i dont. whenever i feel things could get no worse, they do. im so proud of sire today, and grateful that a man so good loves me. and then it kills me to think of what i am. after years, today i cant face myself, because i cant justify something i did. i wonder if one can hate oneself more.

i always wondered if it was the world. or if it was me. but i suppose its me.