i met her today. against all odds. against any whim, any wish, against all imagination. i had imagined her, earlier, her thoughts, her feelings, her mind, her body. but i never wanted to see her. i never wanted to feel what i felt today. she was alone, and he and i bumped into her. as irony has it, as my fuckin luck would have it. i have never felt like i felt today. i was gripped by coldness. by so many different feelings. i couldnt help jump into her shoes; bump into a man she once dated or loved, and talk to him pretending nothin ever happened, and smile at him while his current-girlfriend stands next to him. i couldnt help but feel the pain i will have felt if i were in her place. and then it struck me i was not like her. but i am with the man who was once her’s. i didnt want to, but it was simply like my mind forced me to feel what i felt, to see what i saw in my head. flashback, something which i wasnt a part of, the only thing i never wanted to be part of. they were together. doing all the things he does to me. bare. all over. it made me sick. the whole way i thought i would choke and die. and i wanted to. i always knew i could never take sire with somebody else. that if it ever happened, would kill me.
2 days back i spoke to varun sastry after many many months. just when i thought i ll never hear from him again, he called, and i was happy that he thought of telling me he made it thru and was leaving for atlanta. we spoke like old buddies that we were once, and he was a kid again, and like once again, i was a kid too. he said i have changed.
“you let them get to you arundhati.”
i have become a bit more like the world. i have become a bit more like a person i never wanted to be. like one of the people i once disliked. but i told him,
“i’m happy vs. i guess i always wanted to be free.”
and i had no more to say to him.
“i know things were hard, and you wanted to forget and bury deep. and so you jumped into a nightmare, building a world you never wanted ?”
for once i didnt know what to say. i know i am happy. despite some changes that i had to make in the past 2 years, i feel myself. more than anything, in spite of everything, i feel happy i get to spend time with a person who understands my thoughts when i can be vocal enough. and thats enough for me. i know i can do anything to see him happy, if someday it meant leaving him, i would. if i knew it would make him happy. and more than anything, i adore him for the fact that he is himself with me. that he trusts me. . it means the whole world to me. because it kills me to be lied to. cause somehow, the curse i have lived with, i can always tell when people lie. and this one peace is one of the greatest things that sire gives me. the peace and calm of being trusted.
i dont know if i have changed. if i am like other girls. if not, then how much of a bitch i am. i dont know. and for the first time i dont want to know. if my time with sire is to be a dream, then all i want is to live the dream till the last little second. . if i am to spend a major part of my life in his memories, i would. .
if only i could be like this forever, i would let go of everything, put everything i own stake. if i could always be with you. for i know i want nothing but you. that i have never felt more alive than i do, when you’re with me. that my faith came with you, and will always remain in you.
