~ Back to Life ~

How we fantasize about the things we'd do after the exams are over ! I'm the scatterbrained one who even dazes during the crucial 3 hours and spends half of it wondering about every question except perhaps from the subject paper ! No, I do. The kind of life we live, so rushed, busy, and full of thoughts which always claim more importance than the other answers the soul seeks. I, for one, happen to flow free during those 3 hours of the test. . every question comes a knockin' then . . . and I long to fill those smooth pages with my thoughts. . . oh. but then, wishful thinkin does take new forms every now and then.

Some days are so perfect. A small thing can make it happen. . and you forget every disappointment of the day that you got from other people, or from yourself (specially the kind that makes me reprimand myself each time for last minute skip-every-chapter-here-and-there kinda study :D ) Even though old habits die hard, rare things make us want to change. Want ! Thats a huge thing. Specially for stubborn hard-headed people like me, who're probably so hell-bent on being how we are and being averse to changing ourselves. I still Dont find anything wrong with it. . But then sometimes, rarely, that one special something makes it happen. One person, a word, a sentence, or even if its simply their faith. . The realization that they believe in you makes all the difference. And I guess, then we Want it. We're not offended anymore, not aggressive. . and we happily give way for that one perfect feeling that comes only from that one person.

I was always the hopeless romantic, I guess I would always be. But despite that, I always had my doubts and suspicions.. perhaps numbered equal to all my illogical dreams. They sounded good, and looked apt and fit only in movie sequences, or books, or in plain ol' fairy tales we loved as children. . But then good things do exist in the world, afterall. And now I see how real my dreams were, as I ve been blessed enough to get to live the best of 'em for real. And I know i'm one of the few people in the world, who get to live it the way i feel, each day. . . adversities would always remain. . but that One company is all we need to get past everything. And always make it through.

When I was little, my brother always told me these stories.. he was the only other (pro)dreamer i knew as a child. . and he used these perfectly silly but beautiful little phrases. . that always made each of those stories special. . and gave them all the meaning they lacked. Somehow they all seemed real, and yet they weren't. With time I realized how easy it is to become a cynic, to doubt everything we see. . to be distrusting, because then we find all the questions to hide behind. . wear that mask of aggression so the world wont reach the real, vulnerable you. so we wont get hurt anymore. And with passing episodes of deception, the malady gets graver and we keep falling deeper in the pit we sadly, unsuspectingly dig ourselves.

I was 5, when my brother gave me the first of his phrases . . one of the many phrases that followed throughout my childhood and adolescence. "Every dark cloud has a silver lining." Its rather common as I see now. Widely used in books, inspirational stories, and frequently used in mass prayers at the convent I grew up in. But years later, there was this day when i was, as usual, lying on my back on the ledge of the roof one summer evening. . watchin the clouds fly by. . . and i did see it ! It was many years since.... but as stupid as it sounds, thats when it struck what the words meant. . and ever since i did find there was always a way out. Even a way around, can still be a way out.

Its easy to hide. . so easy to find fault with everything (eventually) wonderful, that this life has to offer. Few of us are as blessed as I've felt since I found this new Life. Nothing's changed. I am still the same person. Still have the same beliefs, nurture the same dreams, and still feel as stupid as I always did.

But yet, knowing you has changed everything. I found the home I always searched. My beliefs are backed by reason now, the dreams dont anymore seem unreachable, and despite still feelin stupid sometimes - I dont hate myself anymore.

So much had been blocked for almost a decade. By all my questions. All the bitterness. But you eased everything with just one touch, and by believing in me, you made me believe in myself again. The jokes have more than just sarcasm, now. the questions have their answers now. And the bitterness dissolved to bring back the simple life I knew as a child.

I loved foraging in my dad's study when I was little. . I still love doing it, except that he doesnt mind it anymore. In all his scribblings, and his notes over years, there was this one line which has been etched in my mind, and always stayed with me.

"Love is like wild flowers. You will find it at the least expected places."

And now I understand why.

And it doesnt anymore feel weird to hear people talk of destiny, faith and happiness. It all has a meaning. . and it is so much more real than just dreams and wishful thinking.

Divine dumbness !

Its amazing to me how placidly people can judge, talk. talk talk talk. never even a bit about their own flaws. . not about the world issues. but given a chance (or not, how does it even matter) would start The hypoglycemic rant on how much they hate everything about you, how you offend them, and how much you still hurt them being so indifferent despite everything. and then you ll be at a social event trying to make decent conversation, not necessarily because you love social events or the people there. . but cause you 're the 'social animal' (even if its an ogre you are, at that) !

ha.

in the end, after days your friend tells you how they wept to her and felt bad all because you cant filter. so much for all the laughs at your expense (initiated by you yourself, and all in good spirit !) when they were so darn happy that you didnt have The Filtering System. And so much for all the times it became a custom, that any 'social' gathering had to have The jokes at your expense (whether or not initiated by you... it would always be done by the other social animals).

This is so incredibly stupid. But gosh i'll never ever in million eternities, probably have enough of feeling stupid. it beats me how some people can be so damn different than others, some can understand your every thought at the single glimpse of the eye but some others can be so beautifully dumb beyond repair. . you can be verbal and scream but they wont know Lucifer's sigil from a cradle. but some godforsaken of us can still manage being friends with both the kinds. and god one cant help being tired of it one fine day ! and then its Judgement Day.

Its one thing to be laughed at. when you're little, nothing beats that sinking stinging feeling. but you learn to deal with it. you cant help being the ogre in the end and you dont expect others to take you. You make em laugh with you, and not At you. simply cause its fun (and then it officially gives me the right to trip on others, even if they never get that the joke is on them, which makes it even better). there, i go claiming laurels again for divine stupidity !! but it was easier that way. and if they wanted to live with the happy side of you, who gave them the right to judge the other side of you. one cant be perennially happy for others' amusement, unless they were like the other side of them imbecile shallow nitpicking collective-individuals, feeling no more than hunger, thirst and the Need to gossip, always lookin for somebody else to be the next damn day. insanity takes its forms, and its amazing how powerful anger can be. and then when its only the world in the end it all remains The Private Joke that only you can understand and can know that your sire would.

shit happens !

Another sunday morning passed by in a hospital :/ never liked hospitals much. liked ? poof.

theres somethin about them.. the strange wistful look in people's eyes and the anticipation, BAD anticipation, rather the fear of it shows on their faces so damn blatantly. i hate it. its like when you're drunk on just 1 mug o beer, you re still in control, you think before you speak. . but after you re high as hell, you lose it. people are closer to knowing everythin that you never wanted em to know if you could help it. and then they can see through you. nothing could be worse than the indiscreet, imbecile, inconsiderate world knowin who you are, and obviously, perfectly misinterpreting it through and through !

hey. i forgot what i was talkin of initially. hell, this always happens to me once i start writing. the shuttling becomes inevitable until i lose the real thought.

but i guess i ll always hate hospitals, the smell of medicines and anti-bacterial wash. . the sickening clean smell. gross. and the umpteen memories of countless trips and nightstays in hospital suites watchin loved ones and family suffer. nothing matches that pain. the feeling of helplessness is so colossal then.

anyway, weasel is much better now. ends loose no more :/ its final term exams from tomorrow, and we havent studied since mornin. last month, through mid terms, monica fell ill and we sat in the hospital all day while they treated her (that one was a sunday too with an exam the next day, and thru the next whole week).

I wonder, if the next set of exams will call for my turn to fall sick. i blacked out today, and cried for him and mum and dad. so stupid, but sometimes i miss home so damn much. and even a single day feels like a heavy boulder when i dont get to see him. .

Life is the weirdest thing i ve ever known. it never ceases to surprise us. it makes us suffer. but then when we dont expect, it turns into this pretty bunch o wildflowers. a sudden volley of colors and happiness. love is most like it. just like wildflowers, we find it in places and times we least expect. . and then it sees us through all the suffering, almost like none of it matters as long as you have your Sire, or your Layla.

stupid me !

Strange little things remind us of how human we are. its good in a way, because being cold and ghoul like is way worse. . than to feel pain and humiliation. but we tend to compare everything on relatively, a;ways choose to ignore the absolute image of it.. thats probably how we make life sufferable. other than being human, it also does remind me of how insignificant i can be, when im not just in myself. not just doing what i want, not just refraining to enter a world i'm not comfortable in, and might never be afterall. its so stupid. its not even a big deal. but i say that to everything these days. and im starting to hate myself for it.

im so deeply flawed. every passing day brings to my notice, a new thing that requires molding, and fixing. there couldnt have been a better way of feeling more human. i feel, but then there has to be the hitch. i was so happy all day. he was happy too. it was perfect.

lol.

saying it all aloud makes it sound even more juvenile ! and its not good.

i cant speak. i can write, but i can not speak. i remember how hard it was for me being a kid, i would struggle even to put across a single sentence. had no friends i could sit and talk or play, no friends who stayed longer than for the time they needed to get my notes, or wait for my answr to a query. how vilely introverted i was, its amazing to me, that i can actually speak now at all, without wanting to run away and hide every instant. not that its any easier. i remembered all that again. so much i ll never speak of ever. people dont understand. i dont expect them to.

the sky looks bruised again.

sad happy-trapped !

i havent done this in a long long time. . i was struggling with some assignments a couple of hours back (still am) and was lookin for something to drink (but found nothing i wanted) and i thought. . well, hey ! lets start blogging again !! what better way than to ease frustrations, academic, imbecilic, financial et al, than to pile it on the world.

its so juvenile, god i keep sitting and asking all these idiotic questions, and probably (perhaps actually) piss people off. . weasel, phantom. oh. and then i dont find the answers cause there are none. and obviously they pretend like they never heard anything. most of the times ! and then she tells me to shut up, and not make noises while im working, and not sing with my headset on. . and i feel so pathetic. Its already monday again. . and another 2 shitty weeks will go by in a blur. sometimes i feel i knew more before i came to this college. . and that with each spasm of embarassment and humiliation i face here, im losing more and more of what i had a year ago. i dont read anymore. havent held poetry in my hands in ages. music would be my reprieve, but now its like an addiction, it compulsorily has to be there, and i need it to fill my head so i can stop thinking. .

i long to break free. but theres so much more to this world thats holding me back. despite everything, amazingly, i dont regret any of it. i never will. with all this distasteful choice of career, and this gruel everyday (and the fortune daddy's spending for my seemingly unlearning experience). . i did discover a wonderful part of this world. something that i had only dreamed of. i still go to bed every night wondering and aching, thinking what if i wake up the next day to find it really is a dream. but good things are rare, and my treasure is precious. . and they say, everything has a meaning !

when i came here last year, The sky was bruised The wine was bled.

And from there you led me on. .

And i know you always will. My faith. The only one.